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just between you and me - Deirdre's Novel of D00000m!

About just between you and me

Previous Entry just between you and me Nov. 23rd, 2004 @ 12:47 pm Next Entry
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From:cordelia_v
Date:November 23rd, 2004 10:33 am (UTC)
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Hmm. Well, I'm not sure I'd say that Nick is a Stu. My understanding of "Stu" is that it's a character who is really a surrogate for the author her/himself. I don't get the sense that this is what is going on here, at all.

He's not annoying, and you finally did give a semi-plausible explanation for what all the mystery around him is really about. But if he inherited so much money, I'm not sure why he'd act as a defense attorney for organized crime, so I still think he's lying.

But I think you're developing the relationship between him and Harry believably (from Harry's POV---have no idea what is going on in Nick's head). Harry's reluctance and conflict re the gifts and money is done very well here. And his relative lack of caution in this relationship is also believable, given that it's his first relationship and he's young. Overall, I find their interactions to be plausible, and Nick's not annoying. (I mean, someone that manipulative would be an annoying lover in real life, but he's not annoying to the reader as a character, if you see my point).

BUT. I just don't see where this is going. How are you going to get Harry to transfer his affections from Nick to Severus? If you want to make the drama revolve around the idea that Harry falls for Nick hard, but then is torn by his (unacknowledged) love for Severus, and has to choose: well, that could work well, but you'll need to build up the relationship and love for Nick even more, alas. Right now, I don't see Harry as being that torn if he has to leave Nick.

On the other hand, if it's NOT supposed to be a wrenching choice for Harry, then you may have built up the relationship with Nick a bit more than you needed to.

Sorry not to be more helpful. I'm rambling, at this point. I AM enjoying this, however.
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From:hillbillymafia
Date:November 23rd, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)
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No, no, you're very helpful!

And of *course* Nick is lying. ;P

And yeah, the relationship with Harry was how I was talking about how Nick's gotten out of hand. My original idea is that he wants Severus the whole time and just doesn't know it, but he does know that what he's got isn't enough for him once the thrill of the newness wears off. And this is about the time that should be happening, but I haven't hinted at it as much as I should. I wasn't planning a big wrenching choice, as I was going to have Nick out of the picture (at least romanticall) by the time Severus turns up, but now I wonder if I might need to do it differently.

Thanks for your excellent feedback! You've given me lots to think about. :)
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From:cordelia_v
Date:November 23rd, 2004 11:50 am (UTC)
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My original idea is that he wants Severus the whole time and just doesn't know it, but he does know that what he's got isn't enough for him once the thrill of the newness wears off. And this is about the time that should be happening, but I haven't hinted at it as much as I should.

I can perceive that this is what you had in the back of your mind, but neither part was really foreshadowed strongly enough for the reader. Harry's been having a couple of dreams, yes. But there doesn't seem to be much going on in his conscious mind about Severus, and so (from the reader's POV) it really doesn't seem like he cares much about Snape.

And if Harry's not really that happy or fulfilled by Nick, again, that hasn't been communicated so clearly by you. It IS clear that they have conflicts re Nick's secrets and the income disparity. But couples can often have such conflicts and things are still very intense, romantically and sexually. So far, it seems like the Harry/Nick relationship would fall into that category---that there are some real strong problems there, but that they are also becoming more and more involved with each other.

And yet, I'm not sure you can build up the Nick/Harry relationship so much that it will really be wrenching for Harry to leave him. Nick just isn't THAT attractive a person, IMO. I can't see that he'd appeal to Harry all that much; it seems like most of the attraction is only sexual. Anyway, I'm sure you'll find a solution.

Rambling, again. . .
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